Today I Am grateful for the opportunity to share something I’ve never shared publicly at a peace vigil for Orlando tonight at CSLNJ. I’ll elaborate on what I shared here, as the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how important my sharing is:
It’s times like these that one begins to get the connection between the One and the All.
As most of you know, I was married to a rather remarkable woman for 14 years. I’m in an wonderful relationship with another remarkable woman right now, and I have no intention of that ever changing. I’ve only dated women. I’ve only been in love with women.
And so I have never had any compelling reason to come out publicly about my bisexuality. I never really thought it was anyone’s business, as it has never had an effect on my overall lifestyle, and so it is something I have only shared with a select, trusted few.
But it is an undeniable part of who I Am. At my core, I Am at peace with it, but it’s been a peace that has only existed in a protective shell of silence.
Tonight, after watching a video in which 49 celebrities share something personal about the 49 people who were killed in Orlando on June 12, I started to get that a my own personal “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy was based on the part of me that hasn’t been comfortable with it – the part of me that fears judgement from others. The part of me that feels shame for something I have no reason to be ashamed of. As I mentioned earlier, it is simply a part of who I Am.
And so I started to get that it is this fear that is at the core of the problem. There is compelling evidence that Omar Mateen, the gunman in the Orlando massacre, was gay or bisexual – an aspect of himself with which he struggled, as he knew it was likely that his family would not be understanding about it. It is likely that it was this fear which may have drove him into the incredible, insane line of thinking which brought him to commit this horrific act of terror.
This kind of fear does not only exist in those who struggle to come to terms with their sexual orientation. All of us have some sort of fear about some aspect of ourselves, some sort of feeling of unworthiness for any number of reasons, some sort of sense that we are something other than the whole, perfect, complete, pure divine souls that God created us to be. This fear causes us to lie to ourselves about Who We Really Are. This fear, and these lies, are the source of all the suffering we experience in this life. They cause us to do and say things we later regret. They cause us to hurt others. And they cause us to hurt ourselves.
So I was compelled to speak about this tonight – quite unexpectedly so – because I got that if I can confront an aspect of me – any aspect of me – about which I am not comfortable, and deal with it in a healthy, loving (I almost said forgiving, but in this particular case there is nothing that needs forgiveness, other than perhaps my own self-judgement – so okay then, forgiving) manner, then perhaps that is the one small way in which I can affect a change in the world – to be the change I want to see in the world.
And perhaps if everyone were inspired to treat themselves in the same healthy, loving, forgiving manner about any and all of the aspects of themselves with which they are not comfortable, then surely incidents like the one in Orlando and elsewhere (Istanbul, Charleston, Paris, Boston, Sandy Hook, Ft. Hood, Atlanta, 9/11, Columbine, Lockerbie, Munich, Birmingham… the list is far too lengthy…) would cease to occur.
I Am also grateful for the fact that after sharing these words at the peace vigil, I could easily stand up with and be identified as part of the LGBT community. Had I not spoken, I’m sure many of my dear friends there would have been quite confused. Non-judgmental, of course, but confused.
I Am grateful further that the vigil happened after a long, 9-hour day at Kaplan, as well as for the fact that I was able to wake up in time to get to work on time after once again my body’s need for sleep triumphed over my foolish desire to wake up too early.
Finally I Am grateful for the dream I had before I awoke – a dream of having telekinetic powers, and for my immediate understanding that the dream was indicative of my beginning to understand just how truly powerful I Am, and how I Am learning to use this power as a force for good in this world.
I Am looking forward to an amazing tomorrow, filled with love and joy, prosperity and abundance, creation and completion, new possibilities and new realities. I anticipate ending the day in complete satisfaction, knowing that only good is coming to me. It is going to be the best day of my life, and I Am grateful for tomorrow today!
And So It Is.
P.S. Oh – and here’s the video we watched tonight: